…New to this town. A new mother of two. Newly unemployed (as in, today). And completely new to writing down my thoughts. To clarify, I’ve been a textbook over-sharer for years. I like to hear myself talk, but I’ve never put my thoughts on paper. (That may have been better.)
Amidst all the new in my life, what’s not new, is my desire to add value to something; to feel respected & be successful. But, as I sit here in my yoga pants, smelling of spit up, without makeup, and without an income, I feel anything but respectable.
I want to raise great kids. I want a thriving relationship with the man that I love. (Maybe I should try a shower & jeans again some day.) I want a fulfilling career that doesn’t keep me away from my family. I want a magazine worthy house with five star meals on the dinner table each night. I want to pursue my personal passion for fitness & still have time to read a book. Is a vacation too much to ask for?
It’s taking time for me to accept that I can have it all, just not at the same time.
So, here I am, feverishly doggy paddling through the deep end of the pool – shouldering the burden of shaping little hearts and minds, all while juggling the laundry, diapers, feedings, playdates, potty accidents, laundry, dinner prep, dishes, bills, the family calendar, repair men, laundry…. shall I continue?
Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced my syllabus for this crash course in life skills – I’ve gotten pretty good at juggling an infant carrier, screaming toddler, the diaper bag and my coffee while heading out of the door, but I still can’t seem to get us through that door (bathed, dressed and fed) before noon. How much screen time is too much, you say? I used to travel the world – now I pack a suitcase to go to the grocery store. Are they eating enough vegetables? (They’re not.) I can’t remember my last date night. Workout? Is it better for my girls to have a “strong” working mother, or a nurturing one that stays home? I was building a career. I took care of myself – of my husband and our relationship. We got out of the house – had fun together & traveled. I was learning to cook and fluff throw pillows. And then… we had a baby.
Fast forward three years and two little girls… Am I Martha Stewart, or Marissa Mayer? I’d like to be both, but I’m far from either. As a professional perfectionist, I’m struggling with that reality. I’m learning – slowly- that there is beauty in the chaos. So, join me as I (occasionally) journal my way to balance. Let’s laugh together, commiserate together, and become better at this, together.