A Mother’s Love; I get it now


It was 9:00 pm, and there I stood – in the doorway to my 16 month old’s bedroom, staring at her innocent, unknowing face.  Her tiny butt stuck straight in the air, knees tucked up under her chest, her pacifier (named “Gus”) hung from perfectly rosy, parted lips. Her chubby hands hugged tight to her favorite pink blanket, and mine longed to hold tight to her.  

With tears in my eyes, I scooped her into my arms and carried her to our rocking chair. Our chair; the one that we’d spent more than 500 nights in – rocking, singing, crying & hushing.  The chair that had seen us through 2am, 4am and 6am feedings while the rest of the world was sleeping.  The chair that had cradled a new mother’s aching back, and bore tears – so may tears – both hers and mine.  The chair that wouldn’t be just ours for much longer. 

While I’d never before (nor since) had a sane thought that involved waking my sleeping child, that night was different.

Less than an hour earlier, I’d sat in the bathroom with the shower running, shaky hands holding loosely to a white stick: “Pregnant”.  I remembered the feeling; that tiny screen revealing such huge, life altering news.  Just like the first time, there was elation, fear, disbelief & love, all wrapped up in adrenaline.  But this time, there was a new and unexpected feeling mixed into my emotional cocktail: guilt. 

I’d thought I was ready. After all, I’d been a mother for nearly a year and and half (which, with your first child, feels like an eternity).  I was practically an expert (you should see my eyes rolling now).  But my joy was stolen by the realization that in eight short months, the most love filled, challenging, anxiety inducing, rewarding chapter of my life thus far would end, and a new one would begin.  It would no longer be just us – figuring out how to do this new life together.  No, the new chapter would be so much more complex, with new challenges and personalities to navigate. Why was I doing this?  

Was I not fulfilled enough by my beautiful little girl?  Would she resent me for wanting more than just her?  Would she even remember the sacred time we spent as a family of 3 – letting her crash “date nights” and Saturday morning coffee runs?  Would she know how we whisked her away on vacation after vacation, and spent so much time focused on just her – her development, her joy, her perfect existence?

Everything would be different now.  This new baby would never know my husband and me the way our first one had – wide-eyed and attentive.  Soon, our only goal when taking our tiny family to a restaurant or on a plane would be to escape with our lives, and maybe a sliver of dignity still in tact. (In hindsight, the latter was overly ambitious). 

And at the risk of sounding like a cliche: I had no idea if I could love another child the way I loved my first born.

So we sat, just the two of us, rocking while tears poured down my face.  I choked out the words to “You are my Sunshine” between deep sobs.  Was she my sunshine?  Yes.  But would she even believe those words come October?  I wasn’t so sure.  

Our daughter was well prepped by the time her little sister debuted in October.  She knew what her name was going to be, but still lovingly referred to her as “Princess”.  The transition from one to two kids was – ehem, challenging – but simultaneously seamless. I could not have predicted the way that this new little girl would steal my heart all over again, or the beautiful layers of love and compassion that she would add to our firstborn’s personality. 

Now, I sit here writing, feeling our highly anticipated third baby rolling around in my belly.  The nostalgia builds as I realize that the couple of years I’ve spent with just my two girls will feel fleeting when, someday,  I look back at my life. Whatever “normalcy” we’ve established in the past two years is about to be yet another closed chapter in my book.  But, I know this time around that God is blessing us all with the greatest of gifts – more people to love.

For the first time in my life, I understand the vastness of God’s love for us – the human race – one race – we’re all his children.  I understand now that no matter how many of us there are, what we look like, what we believe – his heart is capable of growing infinitely to hold each one of us close.  I rejoice in the knowledge that no matter what we do, he’ll never give up on loving us; frustration, disappointment, anger even – I’m sure he feels it all as we do, but just as a mother and father are filled with unwavering hope and love for their children, God loves the world.  It all makes perfect sense to me now. 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. – Zephaniah 3:17

(chosen as our daughter’s life verse for her baptism) 

Photo credit: Wild Bloom Studio

Our RSV Story

I knew it was going to be bad when our feisty two-year-old spent her 4th consecutive day glued to the couch; a 103 degree fever consumed her tiny body. She refused to eat or drink anything for almost a week.  Preschool. We knew the source, but the aftermath of her illness was what concerned us the most.  With a four week old at home, we knew it could be bad, we just couldn’t have imagined how bad it would get. 

Months earlier, as we anticipated the arrival of our second baby in mid-October (hello flu season!), I started preparing for the inevitable.  Flu shots for everyone.  Probiotics, vitamins and homeopathic remedies stocked. Baby-wearing gear on deck. And of course, breastfeeding – to provide the necessary antibodies. I knew the second time around, motherhood would be different. With a brand new two-year-old and her vulnerable immune system heading off to preschool, I was sure a large army of germs would soon be marching toward our doorstep.  I was actually happy to stay pregnant for forty-one weeks; a big baby would only help us in the impending war.  

I was told, “This will get worse before it gets better, but she will most likely be able to fight it at home.”… and  I hung on those words like her life depended on them.

We made it nineteen days before baby registered her first “fever”; 100.4 – barely there, but beyond the safe threshold for fever in newborns. If anything I was – annoyed.  The whole family had been battling a minor cold, so, it was the baby’s turn (I assumed).  That, or I’d wrapped her in too many blankets. 

After a quick conversation with an advice nurse, we were on our way to the hospital.  Pediatrics admitted us for overnight observation, where routine blood & urine samples were taken.  And although she was asymptomatic within an hour of our arrival (Indeed, I’d wrapped her in too many blankets), her blood culture came back positive for a common strain of staph – most likely a lab error – we were told.  Still, a spinal tap, countless blood draws, 3 nights of intravenous antibiotics & 4 more days of shots, is how our baby girl spent her third week of life. “Precautionary”, we were told.  Invasive, is how it felt. And after subjecting my little girl to so much (could it have been unnecessary?) medical intervention, I questioned whether I’d made the right choice in taking her to the doctor in the first place.

Then it was Thanksgiving (we hadn’t seen the inside of a doctor’s office in ten whole days) when our oldest started showing signs of another cold. So, I quarantined the baby to a different room & once again, braced for impact. As the illness progressed, it became clear to me that, should the baby be exposed to this bug, we’d likely be in deep trouble.

For a toddler, RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) is often pretty miserable.  High fever, relentless deep cough, severe nasal congestions, no appetite… Nobody in the house sleeps for a week, but it’s survivable.  However, in a newborn, RSV it can be life threatening.  

At four weeks old, our poor baby girl was defenseless. When her symptoms started appearing – the severe congestion and labored breathing – I took her to the pediatrician right away.  They ran a nasal swab which confirmed RSV was the culprit. Thankfully, her oxygen levels looked good. I was told, “This will get worse before it gets better, but she will most likely be able to fight it at home.”… and  I hung on those words like her life depended on them.

She can fight this at home. Don’t worry when things get worse.

I so badly wanted to avoid another visit to the ER, where I felt so foolish weeks before when my infant daughter’s spinal canal was being punctured in the name of precaution.

So, when things did get worse, my husband rigged a home steam room out of plastic tarps and humidifiers to help loosen the mucous. Her nose was so congested (Did you know newborns don’t know how to breath out of their mouths? Neither did I.) and her airways were becoming increasingly inflamed & blocked.  The skin on her chest pulled in between her tiny ribs with every labored breath.  Eighty respirations per minute is what I counted… At what point was I to let go of those words…. “she will probably be able to fight this at home”.

By the third night, her nasal passages were so congested that she couldn’t nurse. I tried a bottle – it was no better.  I was sure she would become dehydrated, so I tried syringe feeding, but she choked on the milk & the mucous in her stomach and, to my horror, projectile vomited what little milk she had been able to take in.  I didn’t sleep that night. I never left her side. I never stopped watching her tiny chest rise and fall, wondering just how many more times her lungs would fight to catch a breath. 

I packed a hospital bag for the car. Just in case. Then I prayed harder than I’d ever prayed before.

The next morning I started monitoring wet diapers & trying relentlessly to get fluids in her. We sat down to nurse every 15 minutes (not easy with a two-year-old on my arm), and at 5 pm, the tiniest of blue lines appeared on her Pampers Swaddler – I was ecstatic! But my happy dance was followed almost immediately by a violent episode of choking and vomit – a mix of milk and thick, green mucous.

She was not going to fight this at home.

At 6 pm on a dark, chilly, November night, I thew that hospital bag in the car, strapped both kids in, and headed to the ER once again.  My husband and in-laws would meet me there.  At check in, our baby’s vitals were taken – including her O2 saturation. A concerned nurse swept us right through triage, and in to a private room where she told us that a room was being prepped in the pediatric wing – we would be staying.  We held an oxygen tube near our daughter’s nose, and watched as her oxygen levels rose and fell with the tube’s proximity.

When we finally got to our room, I watched as a swarm of doctors and nurses surrounded our tiny daughter – IV line, oxygen, monitors of all sorts…. I overheard one nurse say that her oxygen level was 66% – low enough to cause brain damage. 

My reason for the ER visit was dehydration. I really hadn’t considered lack of oxygen to her brain or other organs. What if I’d waited one more day?  I almost waited – because I didn’t want to seem like an over-nervous parent.  My pride nearly broke her.

I burst into unrelenting sobs.  Tears of guilt. Tears of joy that there was finally oxygen in her lungs and fluid in her veins. Tears of relief that I could once again sleep & let the machines monitor her breathing. There were lots of tears. Ugly, hormonal, pent-up postpartum tears.

The next 5 days were full of alarms going off and breathing treatments and deep suction and more blood work and torture.  I left that tiny room only twice in 120 hours.  But while baby girl was fighting in the hospital, Daddy & Big Sister got busy on the Christmas decorations so that we’d return to a warm, festive home. And we did.

So this week, as I unbox our Christmas decorations, and work endlessly to keep four little hands off the tree, I’m ever-so-grateful for my family, our health and our resilience.

I’ve learned to worry (just a little bit) less about what’s going to happen. That although I can’t always protect my family as fiercely as I want to, I should listen to my instincts. I’ll never again feel foolish or over-concerned when it comes to my child’s health.  It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Psalm 34:17-20    When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

When Love Isn’t Enough

All we need is love, right?

Love is the axis of human existence.  Love is strength, it is weakness, it is security & vulnerability. Love brings peace, it’s started wars; it drives good people to sin & sinners to repent. Love is wild, unpredictable, incredible, undeniable.

A life well-loved is a life well-lived; or so the saying goes.

But sometimes, love blindsides us and holds us captive in a way we aren’t prepared for.  Our world turns upside-down and right-side up all at once, leaving us fumbling for a life raft – a little blurry eyed, short of breath & paralyzed by fear.  At least, that’s how motherhood started for me.

The childless version of me didn’t think I had a love deficiency – life was going exactly according to my script: impressive degree, blossoming career, a dreamy husband who loved me unconditionally, and certainly, no shortage of confidence (Insert eye roll, here).

When my dream-of-a-husband and I welcomed our first baby, we’d already spent nine [mostly] blissful years together. We’d experienced so much life hand-in-hand that I was sure we were prepared for our next milestone: cozy pink blankets and sweet squishy snuggles with a daughter that was half him, and half me.  It sounded….romantic. 

I expected an instant bond with her; the kind that everyone talks about when they hold their newborn baby. I expected everyone to come out of the woodwork and smother us with affection.  I expected that we would be the center of everyone’s universe. I expected to feel complete and never look back.


A few hours into active labor is when the fear first settled in and took up semi-permanent residence.  My body, convulsing with pain, wasn’t following my script at all.  I fought every  stage with every ounce of my being. I remember thinking to myself (or maybe screaming – it’s a blur) “I can’t do this, I can’t.  Someone end it for me, I’m done.”   

Thirty-one hours, Pitocin, oxygen, & two-and-a-half hours of pushing later, I held my daughter for the first time. I felt…. exhausted. overwhelmed. terrified.

Of course, I fell instantly in love with my daughter – I had an unparalleled urge to protect & defend her – but she felt like a stranger in my arms. A stranger who had just ravaged by body & stollen my previous life. So naturally, when love didn’t feel like enough, I was sure she’d been born to the worst mother in the world, and I was only minutes into the journey.

The abrupt transition from doted-on expectant-mother into the selfless world of life with a newborn left me dizzy and insecure – constantly grasping for assurance. But as days turned to weeks, and the novelty of her newness wore off, everyone else returned to their normal lives.

How, I wondered, can the Earth still be spinning on her axis when my whole world is upside-down?

Day after day, I faced a slew of unmet expectations & even more unexpected challenges. There were the hormones that made me burst into tears without warning (that lasted for months). I had a baby that didn’t sleep, and 102 people giving me conflicting advice (and judgement) on how to get some rest.  I lived in fear that my husband would lose interest in the new (but certainly not improved) version of me. I wondered if I’d still be taken seriously in my career when I returned from maternity leave. But mostly, I was crippled by a furious new love that left me open, raw & exposed – like watching my heart beat outside of my body.

Control – the thing that had always kept me pushing onward with confidence – had suddenly been stripped from my world. I could’t ensure that my baby would continue to breath through the night.  I couldn’t protect her from illness or discomfort. I knew that someday, someone would break her heart, and that my friends, nearly broke me.

So in place of control, I focused on faith. 

Faith in my own strength & resilience, faith in my marriage, faith that sleep would return, and faith that it would all be provided by a good & loving God, who has a master plan that I contribute to, but don’t control.

In faith, there is peace; but it’s an ongoing journey. 

When my second daughter arrived last year, she was met by a much more confident mother (Albeit, MUCH more exhausted). With her arrival, I found the courage to leave my job(s), volunteer commitments, and other organized groups – It was like handing in a resignation letter to my former life:

Thank you for all the opportunities & relationships you’ve provided, overcommitted self, but I’m no longer satisfied by trying to impress perfect strangers. My resume isn’t reflective of my heart, so effective immediately, I’m going to completely and unapologetically commit myself to my family.

And believe me, that did take courage.

Now, everyday I spend at home, I’m reminded that patience doesn’t come naturally to me, but it certainly is a virtue. I’m practicing patience with myself, patience with my kids, and patience to adapt to all of life’s unmet expectations.  I pray daily for God to give me the tools I need to meet toddler frustration with tender hugs, and irrational fits with composed explanations; love is only felt by others when it’s supported by calm clarity. 

To have love, grounded in faith, upheld by courage & lived out in patiencethat is where I’m finding my ‘enough’. 

xxx, MamaFulch

Philippians 4:6-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dear Daughter…


From the moment I first set eyes on you, I’ve wanted to protect you.  Protect your tiny body from physical harm. Keep that precious heart from ever breaking. And prevent your vivacious soul from ever being stifled by the words of others. Having you has been like watching my own heart walk around outside of my body – I care so deeply, yet I have so little control. 

This world is beautiful. This world is messy. It’s cruel and unfair but that’s okay, because it’s also spectacular.

With each passing day my heart breaks a little bit, as I watch the baby slip away. Still, with every new milestone you reach, I beam with pride at the little girl you’re becoming. Bold, daring, brilliant, compassionate and full of empathy – you are more than I ever dreamed a little person could be.

Yes, I want to protect those qualities with every inch of my being, but I know that I can’t – that I shouldn’t. Every broken bone and heartache will heal, and you’ll be stronger for them. And so, I will be a spectator to your life, trying hard not to intervene, although I’ll want to.

As you travel your path, know that there will always be someone richer than you, but that true treasures are of the heart.

Know that there may always be someone more beautiful than you, but beauty is subjective.  Your daddy and I look at you and see the most lovely little girl in the whole world.

Know that there will always be someone out there who’s smarter than you, but so long as you follow your conscience, you will be unstoppable.

No matter where life takes you, you will be loved by your family and by God; to us, you are perfect – created in His image to be nothing short of amazing. But most importantly, I hope that you love yourself – unconditionally – despite any bumps along your road. You deserve nothing less.

When life gets hard, turn to the Lord. When it’s easy, stay humble & open your heart to others.

You, my darling, are going to do amazing things in this world.

You are my reason for being. My pride. My joy. My LOVE.



The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness. – Lamentations 3:22–23